Translating Fear of Wrong Decisions to Learning From Wrong Decisions

Yesterday during my morning walk, I was reading, yes on my iPhone, a Daily Om newsletter on Self-Determination. In reading, I came across a sentence that alluded to how we are stopped by the fear of wrong decisions. I know this is a common barrier for me, having been raised on the sanctity of right decisions, and the utter sinfulness of wrong ones. This is also a habit I witness overwhelmingly in my coachees. This fear of wrong decisions is a problem when taken too far, and especially when it robs us of learning and the opportunities that learning takes advantage of.

With adequate time to reflect, I think you would agree that there has been a rare decisions made which did not have a risk of being wrong, yet, we generally have made the decision, reaped the benefits of its rightness, and the learnings of its wrongness without the world or our lives coming to an end. In situations where we procrastinated endlessly, we neither benefited or learned from our procrastination. I acknowledge here that sometimes the best decision is to sit tight but even in those cases, we should decide deliberately, and without fear, thus reserving our energy to better adapt to and learn from whatever happens, right or wrong.

As I have more and more decisions behind me in life, I have have developed confidence in this method of investing my energy more in learning from, and adapting to, wrong decisions than in fearing them, as they are inevitable. I am not perfect at it but I improve with every mindful decision. I encourage this perspective in you also.

Remember, every decision has a risk of right and wrong in it. Celebrate the right and learn from the wrong, but do not be paralyzed by fear of the latter.

Watching our Work!

Coming up on three years in my present job, I recently took inventory of my accomplishments of the past 3 years. This was not an easy or pleasant process but I found it insightful and encouraging once done. It occurred to me that I need to do this more often and possible more in real time than periodically. The fact is that we do our work too much in a mindless, for granted mode. This leads to our losing touch with it's purpose and effect in the world which can lead to feelings of disconnection, ennui, frustration, and waste. I know because I struggle with this, but also because I see this so often in my coaching, and particularly when I am asking about work histories as a part of the resume development and interview preparation process.

Too many are unfamiliar with, and unappreciative of, their work even as they do it. I say that work consumes entirely too much of one's life to justify this type disconnection and mindlessness. I think methods of mindfulness, appreciative inquiry and reflective writing can stand us in good stead in this practice of watching our work. These methods that help us to be present, curious and accountable in our work.

As I watch my work, it occurs to me that all my work can be nicely divided into 4 categories: tasks, relationships, collaborations and results. Tasks are what I do, relationships are who I know, collaboration synergizes the first two, and results are what the first 3 produce. These categories are useful as a framework for watching one's work, and even for planning improvement in my work from moment to moment, whether in my paid work, non-paid volunteer work, housework, family work or self work for that matter.

I mean to suggest here that we can 1) derive more meaning and enjoyment from our work, 2) a greater ability to articulate the process and results of our work and 3) purposeful development in our work if we were more mindful and appreciatively curious about our work and what we wanted it to produce in the world.

I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity to watch your work. And, yes, please share how it benefits you.

Do It Anyway!

I have been thinking alot this week about the Ten Paradoxical Commandments by Keith Kent. These commandments are encapsulated in a poem, Anyway which I have pasted below. I also dig the musical adaptation of this poem by the Roches from their album Zero Church. Take a read.

Anyway by Keith Kent

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self centered

Forgive them anyway

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives
Be kind anyway

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies
Succeed anyway

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you
Be honest and frank anyway

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight
Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous
Be happy anyway

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow
Do good anyway

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough
Give the world the best you've got anyway

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God
It was never between you and them anyway

This poem moved me because it speaks to many of the paradoxical elements of work, indeed of life. It encourages us to do right and well for Purpose's sake regardless of others' action, inaction, support or opposition. So often we allow our motivation to be tied to others. We renege on obligations to pursue our purpose because others react in neutral or negative ways.

This poem reminds us that in our work we should expect opposition, jealousy, destruction, selfishness, betrayal, unreasonableness, illogic, ulterior motives & enemies. This being as it is, we should not allow any of these barriers & violations to distract us from our purpose. Weshould do what we are here to do ANYWAY! That's rich! It reminds me of a favorite Biblical reference, Colossians 3:23-24: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. A more liberal, secular translation might say, work as though I am working for the Purpose at hand knowing that such achievement is its own reward.

Take stock of purposes you have given up on because of barriers, violations or opposition. Recommit & get back in action on these purposes ANYWAY!

Don't Call The Game Before Its Over

This week I want to encourage you to play the game until its over and not to call it lost before it is over. This is something I see too often in my coaching. People who bail out of an opportunity psychologically and emotionally before they do through research and get advise, who won't apply for a job they because they are not 100% qualified (when no one every is), who won't stay focused through an entire (multiple) interview because they anticipate that they will not get an offer, who lose raises, better assignment & promotions in organizations because they will not do research and lobby for the opportunity. I like to advise these individuals "not to call the game before its over". So many of life's opportunities are lost due to such lack of discipline and persistence and over use of negative speculation.

I will be the first to admit that even I do not always take the advice I am giving here. I will further admit that some games do need to be called before over if you judge you are too far behind in the score in order to put that time and energy into other games where you have an chance of winning. The fact is that you can only play so many games simultaneously well, and that you cannot win every game. That said, I believe we can win more than we do with more emotional, psychological and relational discipline & persistence and less negative speculation. One is never relieved from the task of judgement & risk-taking.

Over time, as I have grown and matured, I have become relatively better at "playing through to the end of the game". Below I share a number of devices that help me when I am up against my own fatigue in the middle, or even at the beginning of a game.

1. Emotional mindfulness is needed as most bailing out happens first at an emotional level which affects our thinking then our actions. Being aware of my emotional states at the time I bail out helps me to better diagnose what is going on and to recommit. I have to continually remind myself that feelings are not facts.

2. Regain perspective by testing reality with others is a critical use of my mentors and colleagues. I can be prone to being myopic and overwhelmed at times and losing both big picture and long term perspective relative to my goals. Running situations by trusted advisors to test my view of reality is a big help which helps me to remember why I am really playing the game and why I need to stay committed to finishing it.

3. Recommitment to love and fearlessness is important because we are always operating from one of these positions or other. Fear is negative, selfish and exhausting. Love is positive, service-oriented and energizing. When I am ready to bail out for no good reason, I know that I have disconnected from love and plugged into fear. I also know that I have a choice to reverse this connection.

4. Be patient & persistent as every game is longer and takes more effort to win than initially envisioned. With this in mind, I learn not to be surprised or demoralized when this fact presents itself.

5. Research the game I am playing, its players and rules, so that I can get better at it knowing that no one is good at any game at the beginning but anyone can get good with good observation and practice. This occurs through the methods of reading, case studies, networking, role-playing, shadowing, etc..

6. Access the resource needed to finish the game is critical as we can often find that we did not know of al the resources we needed when we started playing. This is part of research and learning, not an excuse for bailing out. As we learn, we adapt to get those resources we find we need whether they be education, experience, time, relationships or even money. I intentionally put money last because we often think it most important when in fact it is least important as the aforementioned resources are what get you to money.

7. Overcoming the barriers to winning as this is the essential element that makes a game a game. If we have an intention of love, it can also be the most satisfying element of playing any game. It is critical to understanding and anticipating our internal and external barriers to winning and planning for how we will overcome them as a part of the suggestions mentioned earlier.

So, let's look at the important games we have called too earlier, meditate on the methods mentioned above, and recommit to winning those games. And yes, please do share how this works for you.